Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

Mapping America’s Far Right

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.