Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Kidney stones? Hard pass

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess