[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
You Might Also Like
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!