Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

I’d hang this in my house.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Oh. My. God.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.