Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.