Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

😂

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh