Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.