Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.