Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Canada has crack?

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

For those that worship cheese..

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”