[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM