[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
make up your mind
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?