Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on da cob, we all corn

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both