[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You Might Also Like
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
❤️🦆
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.