[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I falcon love using swear birds
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what