[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)