[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.