I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit