@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

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@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@AimeeHelene1

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@Grommit56

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@RickAaron

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

@longwall26

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@Sassafrantz

Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you