coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you