@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

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@69hunna

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

@GrantTanaka

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@OctopusCaveman

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

@TheSuccuBish

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@fightgeek

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

@CAshmanActor

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.