@murrman5
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
@WheelTod
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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@murrman5
@AimeeHelene1
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
@thepamilerin
My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago
@Grommit56
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
@bourgeoisalien
Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
@RickAaron
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
@DrakeGatsby
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
@longwall26
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
@joeljeffrey
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
@Sassafrantz
Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you