[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

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How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger


they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had


While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.


I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.


I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.


[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.


me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola


Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.