Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Bitcoin. Toothurt.