Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Before & after 😅

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

A short story about romance.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

need him

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.