[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it