[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.