Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.