[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk