Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.