*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.