Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

yeah not falling for this one

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.