[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
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i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Blocked: 1985
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
had to share :’)
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.