[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?