[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle