[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
You Might Also Like
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too