[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
It’s an epidemic…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off