[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.