[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.