Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuesday

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

A double negative is a big no-no.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

I might carry a baby with one hand.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

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