Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.