Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.