Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

Ion see the issue

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?