[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
You Might Also Like
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Worst Native American name ever.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.