Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

first you must answer his riddles

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

My neck, my back, my…

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.