[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
You Might Also Like
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Word!
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?