ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong
Me: So, Construction?
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.