@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

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@hippieswordfish

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong

@Jarhead44

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@TriciaLockwood

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.