Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

😬

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”