Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS