Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test