[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on