(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
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[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.