Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.