[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
We’ve all been there
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!