Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

apparently this year was written by stephen king

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

It’s an epidemic…

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

No.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?