Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

wtf management?!

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

“what that mouth do?” complain

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.