[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.