Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)