Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.