[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean