Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

12653.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

Always

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point