Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking