[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I have a type: disappointing
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Proofread twice, hang posters once
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..