Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Sun

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.