[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
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Me: Same
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur