My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You Might Also Like
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
5: “Why is the moon so bright?”
Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”
Moon: “I heard that.”
Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!
FRIEND: that’s great!
ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.
FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.
ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]
ME: you want some?
Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart
Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play