[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Just got to our Airbnb!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Solving a traffic jam
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.