Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
You Might Also Like
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.