Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

What is going on? 😅

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Stop it! 😂

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.