Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you