[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
This will never not be funny 😭
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”