Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I created you as mosquito food.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Worst Native American name ever.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.