Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Why soy sad?

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .