Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start