[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
You Might Also Like
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear