Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Simple enough.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Last-minute gift idea!
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG