[First Date]

Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: “Me too!”

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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course


ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine


Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.


“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”



I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.


A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit


[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*


*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”


Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”


I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.


Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me