FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”
Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*
Me: “Me too!”
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me