Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?