[First Date]

Me: So, what kind of work do you do?

She: Internal consulting.

Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here

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No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.


I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.


Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?


THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?


Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?


Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO


*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*