No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying
Me: So, what kind of work do you do?
She: Internal consulting.
Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.
I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!