I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Ugh but profoundly
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
A little too much information.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.