Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling