[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Omg 🤣
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Fluff me with a fork baby
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.