Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worlds greatest photobomb

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick