[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Seems a bit forward
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.